At 2:00 a.m. I slip out of bed and feel my way toward the bathroom. The room is dark. I like it that way. But my third toe finds that chair at the end of my bed. Ouch! I make it to the bathroom and flip the light on. My toe is still attached to my foot. I thought it might not be.
I walk slowly to the kitchen, get a glass of water, and sit on the sofa. How do I feel? Sick from the throbbing toe you ask? (You would think so if you could see it now.) It does hurt. I think it might be broken. But it’s not what I’m thinking about or feeling. In the wee hours of the morning, sitting on the sofa with a throbbing toe, I feel rejected.
It is the exact single word that came to my mind as soon as I sat down.
“You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.” Psalm 139: 1-4
I’m barely awake and I feel rejected. I know why but I’m not going to tell you. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is what God speaks in that moment. No sooner had the thought entered my mind and the feeling pierced my heart than He spoke. He lit up the truth in that dark room and exposed the lie.
“Stacy, unwind your self from that thing. Wrap yourself—wind yourself around Me.”
I sit there in the dark thinking about what the Spirit spoke to my heart. Then He began to show me other things that my self gets wrapped around. I really don’t want to think about it. I want to go back to bed. I’ll think about it tomorrow I reason.
“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,’
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139: 7-12
How easy it is to get wrapped up in the wrong thing—beauty, success, a person, an expectation, __________ (you fill in the blank). They have a place and a purpose in this world but when I get all wrapped up in anything other than God I ultimately feel rejected, duped, played, and empty.
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139: 23-24
Even if it’s in the middle of the night.
It’s 3:32 a.m. now. I’m still sitting in the dark. But I can see the lie and the Light.